Disclaimer: if you’re a long-time WWE fan, then this list probably isn’t for you. Then again, it might be; if the recap-happy events of a typical episode of WWE RAW are any indication, there’s an exceptional chance that you’ve forgotten the last five minutes of your life.
Think about it.
What were you doing five minutes ago?
Are you making a cup of coffee? Idly daydreaming as you looked out of the window? Checking social media for updates on WWE and the extent to which they are wallowing in the muck of greed?
Without a video package to remind you, you will simply never know. It’s shame that a camera crew isn’t following you around at all times; that way, you might hope to recall whether you were thinking about what to eat later or looking at pictures of women’s wrestlers on Instagtram and liking every last one of them in the hope that they think “Wow, AlexaBlissfan_02 is a snack!”
This is facetious, obviously, but there’s a more than decent chance you’re familiar with the content – but do stick around, because there are some decent jokes leveled at Bully Ray herein…
Wrestling relies upon sound to project its simulated violence to the upper decks.
The rings are mic’d up to capture the bone-rattling sound of flesh crashing against the canvas, the knife-edge chop is preferred by many wrestlers to a worked punch in 2022 because the bracing noise always elicits a huge “Ahhhh,” and various weapons are deployed not for how much they would hurt, but for the aural sensation they create.
To get kicks over, wrestlers will slap their thighs to create the illusion that they are kicking their opponents in the face full-force. The very best wrestlers, like Kenny Omega, are amazing at the physical timing and sleight of hand required to create the magical spell. Others, even excellent wrestlers, are so sloppy that you’ll never be able to un-see the shortcut.
It’s ironic that Johnny Gargano appeared in a WWE dark match as Austria-bordering ethic stereotype Cedrick Von Haussen, because looking at the abject state of his worst work, he’s more a practitioner of the schuhplattler dance than a professional wrestler.
Gargano is a technical marvel and gutsy stamina machine at his very best, but he slaps the thigh so hard at his worst that you’d think the entire street was clapping for the NHS.